Sad and frustrated

Today I am sad. I feel like things are going right back to where they were before. Some of you know the before. Before the big blow up that entailed him leaving in the middle of the night and me not knowing if he would come back. Me trying to figure out if the girl and I could make it on my salary alone. The crying, oh the crying.

After a lot of talking and time things had been better. Not that things are not better now. I am still trying very hard to be a loving person. It does not come easy for me. I didn't grow up in an environment where love was expressed freely. I know I was loved but it just wasn't expressed.

I try very hard not to do this with E and I think I do a good job. I also have been trying very hard with D. Little notes just to say I love you, more hugging and kissing just because. Getting over the fact that I like my personal space at night and cuddling.

Sometimes I just feel unloved. It would be so nice to have these things done back to me without me having to say something. It would be nice to hear how beautiful I am or how sexy I am. I guess I am feeling down on myself right now. I need to start exercising again maybe that will make me feel better and maybe I will look better for him.

Maybe I should let my hair grow back out the way he liked it. Even though everyone else likes it this way. Including myself. He just has this way of making me feel like I am not good enough and I really hate it.